The things you don’t say

I’ve been quiet (obviously) and it’s hard for me to put into words exactly why.

It’s partially just because of life and work and settling back into a routine with Jackson back at school.

But it’s more than that too.

I’ve been struggling emotionally, even though I know there are so many wonderful blessings and things happening in my life right now. Occasionally, I suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and it will just creep up and knock the breath out of me when I least expect it.

Most people struggle with SAD in the Winter, when the weather is bleak and the sun doesn’t come out much. This is true for me too, but I’ve noticed I have the worst issues with this disorder when the seasons change.

As a new season approaches, I lose almost 2 weeks of my life to a feeling of isolation from the rest of world.

It’s bewildering really. I feel like I wake up in another persons life or body those days, and wonder where my cheerful temperament has wondered off to.

And so, once I realize that I’m struggling with my feelings because of SAD, I just withdraw and wait it out.

It’s hard for me to talk about this problem with other people and rather than talk it to death I just try to take deep breaths and get through this stupid thing one moment at a time.

I’m pretty sure I’m almost at the end of my 2 week run from Summer to Fall…as I woke up yesterday with a great deal of hope and energy finally.

I was so relieved too.

The most frightening thing about bad feelings inside of you is the lingering thought that they might not ever subside. And then what?

Don’t worry, I’ll be ok.

I’m healing as I type here even, just by letting this out.

P.S. My thoughts and prayers are with all those who were affected by the events of 9/11, 11 years ago today. I know it is something none of us will ever forget.